Gaydar?

In the first episode of Will & Grace, a huffy Jack McFarland asked Grace if she knew he was gay the first time they met.

"My dog knew you were gay," she answered.

Some social conservatives fret about what makes a person decide he or she is gay or lesbian. "How do you know? Maybe it's just a phase. Or you're just confused. Or you are being lured into it by the propaganda of the gay agenda."

Yeah, right! That's what makes you decide to be gay -- the sheer attraction of being on the receiving end of gay-bashing, of knowing you can be fired in 29 of these 50 United Sates simply for being gay, of not being able to marry (until VERY recently), of being denounced every time you go to church. Who wouldn't want that?

More interesting perhaps is how other people know when we don't tell them. After all, "don't ask, don't tell" didn't originate with the military or the Clinton administration. Tom sometimes turns to me and asks about a waiter or salesperson or just someone walking down the street, "What do you think? On the team?"

What sets off the gaydar?

An 2007 article in New York magazine, The Science of Gaydar, by David France, offered some reflections:

A small constellation of researchers is specifically analyzing the traits and characteristics that, though more pronounced in some than in others, not only make us gay but also make us appear gay.

At first read, their findings seem like a string of unlinked, esoteric observations. Statistically, for instance, gay men and lesbians have about a 50 percent greater chance of being left-handed or ambidextrous than straight men or women. The relative lengths of our fingers offer another hint: The index fingers of most straight men are shorter than their ring fingers, while for most women they are closer in length, or even reversed in ratio. But some researchers have noted that gay men are likely to have finger-length ratios more in line with those of straight women, and a study of self-described “butch” lesbians showed significantly masculinized ratios. The same goes for the way we hear, the way we process spatial reasoning, and even the ring of our voices. One study, involving tape-recordings of gay and straight men, found that 75 percent of gay men sounded gay to a general audience. It’s unclear what the listeners responded to, whether there is a recognized gay “accent” or vocal quality. And there is no hint as to whether this idiosyncrasy is owed to biology or cultural influences—only that it’s unmistakable. What is there in Rufus Wainwright’s “uninhibited, yearning, ugly-duckling voice,” as the Los Angeles Times wrote ... that we recognize as uniquely gay? Does biology account for Rosie O’Donnell’s crisp trumpet and Charles Nelson Reilly’s gnyuck-gnyuck-gnyuck?

Whatever.

When I came out to my parents, my father's initial reaction was, "But you don't act like one." 

His gaydar, such as it was, apparently didn't pick up all the behavioral clues. He cut my hair for eighteen years, but I guess he didn't know that one indicator is a counterclockwise whorl for a crown. Although to be fair, I have so many cowlicks sticking out in so many directions, no one could possible guess from that alone. My hair growth doesn't make me look gay as much as it makes me look like Dagwood Bumstead.

I guess my father didn't pick up on other stereotypical gay male behaviors: the collection of Broadway musical albums and the fact that I knew all of the lyrics by heart; the fact that my mother constantly asks my advice about interior decorating; that I love cooking but hate yard work; that I was a cheerleader in junior high AND high school...

My mother, on the other hand, said, "I was afraid of that." 

Later she explained, "I assumed you were gay because you were a priest."

Boy, wouldn't that make the Vatican happy! When I overheard her mention a priest friend as being gay, I had to explain to her that he wasn't gay. Again, she just assumed.

A behavioral psychologist once told me that many studies indicate that the one consistently detectable and distinctive behavior seemed to be that gay men hold eye contact a fraction longer than straight men. He was talking nanoseconds, not deep longing glances. Yet when I reflected on it, my own gaydar seems to be set off by "something about the eyes" as much as anything else.

Of course, in today's world, there is often no need for gaydar. You can just read the t-shirt, scope out the rainbow jewelry or the number of silver rings on a guy's hand. I hardly think one has time to turn them around, check out the whorl on the top of their head, hold hands long enough to check out their relative finger lengths or the density of fingerprint ridges on the left thumb and pinky. Face it, if he lets you hold his hand that long, you don't really have to ask anymore, do you?